8/29/11

R

     With a little chemistry; a word, a movement, even silence can be stimulating. The first time I went out with R, I was thrown off, not by a lack of chemistry, but by the fact that our conversation actually overpowered it.  We were real people communicating in a real world about real things, and sex which is usually my focus, was merely a side-note.
     Because of this, having sex on our first night together felt similar to eating too much of a really good food. But, I had never before felt satisfied on a first date with conversation alone, and the rhythm of pursuit was so ingrained in me that it sort of just happened.  The confusion I felt when I left the next morning turned into a general feeling of remorse in the days after. I wanted to talk to him about it, to regain the feeling I had before the sex, but I was afraid. When I did finally call him the ease of our conversation, of our ability to communicate left me feeling giddy. For the first time in my life I had a relationship built upon real, open-communication.
    R had a self-comfort that was contagious, I felt comfortable when I was with him, at ease, I didn't have to explain myself, or defend my sanity, and most importantly, he didn't see difference as weakness like men often do.  Mine and R's relationship lasted for several months.  Though we were both unwilling to commit to a status, we were content. Eventually though his complacency inspired me to rebel, or at least try.
    In the same amount of time I spent in the relationship I spent out of it, trying to invoke a reaction. I slept with other people, ignored his calls, but the jealousy never came. Then one day, after months of being in a non-relationship, he met someone. After all the time I had spent trying to make him jealous, he succeeded, without even trying, to make me jealous in one day. All those times that he had said, "I don't want to date" he had really been saying, "I don't want to date you".



No comments:

Post a Comment